Your children did not ask to be here, nor do they need to be involved in the details of your relationship. You do not have to talk down about him, put him down or tear him down in the eyes of your children. Kids are smart, and will figure things out for themselves pretty quickly. When you use your children as pawns in your relationship, it can affect their self-esteem. It can make them feel a lack of security, and cause them to worry. It can also affect their future relationships with men and women, causing them to be resentful, spiteful, and distrusting.
Using your children as pawns also teaches them that it is acceptable to use and/or manipulate others. They learn to become calculating and undermining, they lose their character, and they lack the integrity they should have – they use whatever it takes to get ahead. They become that person that you cannot trust, that person whom you always wonder about their true motives, because you taught them that it is alright to use people for their own self interest and personal gain. You have taught them that it is alright to walk on people and treat them like dirt. Remember, children learn from observation, association, and their environment; they learn from cause and effect. In other words, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Hi J.B,
ReplyDeleteI am in the middle of a divorce and my wife and I have three kids. From this post I am guessing that you have a child or children, so I wanted to know how they took your divorce? Was it tough? Why did you and your spouse break up? I really don't want my kids hating my wife, because our agreement is that they stay with me during the week and go with her during the weekend? What was your agreement like, if you don't mind me asking. -MAC
Hi MAC,
ReplyDeleteAs you know, divorce affects everyone. You, your spouse and your children. I will answer the questions individually. When I separated, I had one son who was 7 and another who was not born. For me, I felt that it would be more damaging to my children to witness an abusive relationship, than it was for them to not live with both their mother and father. Yes, it was tough, but I believe the Lord used that time to deliver me from bondage and draw me closer to Him. I did not marry to get a divorce. In fact, I stuck it out in the relationship, even when things were very bad.
I wish I could tell you that it was because of the adultery only, or because of the verbal and mental abuse, or because of his issues with control, but truthfully, I forgave him for those things. The final straw for me was when I knew he had rejected God. We no longer had a foundation on which we could grow. That being said, I did not and still do not talk badly about my ex husband to my two boys. In fact, I do not communicate with him at all, nor do I talk about him at all. They see him, (there is no abuse involved ),and have a relationship with him on their own terms , but a family member serves as the intermediate.
You see, kids are very smart, and figure things out on there own. If I were to bad mouth him, or prevent them from seeing him, then I would be the bad guy and they would resent me. Give your kids credit. They figure out the truth about a parent in due time. If you or their mother, for example, do not make time for them, then they will figure this out and eventually will make the decision to not make the time for you or her. They will eventually tell you, I don't want to go this time.
In response to what our agreement is, when he wants to see his sons, he calls my oldest, or the intermediate family member to make arrangements. Additionally, my children will call him and let me know that they want to see their father.
Now every situation is not like mine. My fiance has a very good relationship with his ex wife. Both he and I communicate with her, there is mutual respect, and everyone knows their boundaries. Was his relationship always like this? No, but in time, they realized that they had to work together for the best interest of their children. Like you, he raised his three children after the separation (2 are now grown). They see their mother when they are ready. Their relationship with her is their relationship. This means that he does not force them to go, nor did he prevent them from seeing her.
Finally, the key to this all is forgiveness. Forgiveness will allow you to move on. Forgive yourself, forgive her, seek forgiveness from God, and with time, your wounds do heal.
One last thought: I tell my boys that I do not want to know their father's business, nor should they tell him mine. I ask them how was your time, did you have fun, but I respect his privacy and boundaries. I do not interrogate my children about what is happening in his household. As a result, my boys will let me know if they dislike something, but do not feel that they have to "report" to me.
I appreciate your comment, and I wish you all the best. God Bless!