Do not be so quick to give up

There will be bumps in the road. There will be surprises. There will be trials. Relationships require fortitude, a willingness to stick it out during the tough times. TOUGH IT OUT! You must take the bitter with the sweet. Your relationship will not always be smooth sailing. There will be situations that are difficult and painful, and circumstances that require strength, endurance, faith, courage, and resolve. If you both are determined to have your relationship succeed, you can make it through these times.

You Meet.

Upon meeting, there has to be a mutual attraction.  There is something that you like about him that makes you interested in getting to know him.  It could be his looks, his sense of style, or his sense of humor.  You perceive that he is someone worth getting to know. 

¨      When there is no attraction, or no interest, do not force it.  You get off the ride, and you do not move on to the dating stage.

Do not be bitter or angry.

Do not bottle up the anger.  Do not hold a grudge.  Anger and bitterness can cause you to be hateful and spiteful.  It pushes people away from you.  Anger and bitterness becomes a festering wound that will prevent you from overcoming the hurt and pain, which will prevent you from expressing love, or receiving love.

Searching for love in all the wrong places.

When there is an absence of love, a void in your life, you begin to search for love.  This search is sometimes at a cost and often produces inauthentic love.  In addition to accepting relationships that are not for you, that are unhealthy for you, you enter sexual relationships, looking for a man to love you, looking to feel loved.  SEX IS NOT LOVE.  Many times, these men are using you for sex, because after the sex, they move on and you do not feel valued.

Sometimes you become pregnant, either hoping that the child will create a bond between you and your lover, or you believe the baby will fulfill the lack of love in your life.  However, it is more likely that any bond created will only be temporary, that the father will not be in your life, and you will be a single parent.  Ultimately, you realize the love you have for your baby does not compare, and is not the same as the love you receive from a man.  Unfortunately, you experience hurt and pain when you realize that none of your choices fills the void, and none result in true love.

You reap what you sow

You reap what you sow.  If you sow havoc and discord, you reap havoc and discord.  If you sow envy and jealousy, you reap envy and jealousy.  Everything you do comes back to you.  “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” (Galatians 6:7, KJV)  Therefore, take care of how you treat others, because that same treatment will be repaid to you in your lifetime.  What you do now comes back upon you later.

Love is from the heart

It causes you to believe there are no boundaries, that you can conquer anything. You feel you can say anything, do anything, be anything. The thought of him makes your heart feel as if it will burst, that it can jump right out of your chest. The sight or scent of him makes your stomach jump or flutter. When you are not together, your heart aches for him, your heart longs for him. It is more than a feeling, it is a knowing. And NO ONE can tell you who to love!

Do not be Young and Dumb or Old and Stupid

 Ahhh, youth. Sometimes when we are young, we do the dumbest things. This is usually due to ignorance, a lack of knowledge, or a lack of experience. Hopefully, we learn from those experiences, and make better decisions.

However, there are some who still make stupid choices as they age. You many times attribute these choices to stubbornness, being set in your ways, unwillingness to change, or refusing to listen. Remember, whatever decisions you make, whatever choices you elect, YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEM! So learn from those experiences, and make better choices.

Forcing a relationship is counter-productive

 You cannot jump from one stage of the relationship to another without experiencing trauma or drama. You miss some key developments, consequently. Although you may attempt to recover or recapture these missed stages, serious strain to the relationship is likely to occur. Not only will forcing the relationship lead to a break down in communication, it more than likely will lead to a break-up.

Even when you reach a truce, and you try to make the relationship work, it becomes only a temporary measure in that the same issues exist. There are unresolved problems. Therefore, what causes the relationship to end initially, if not corrected, will cause the relationship to end ultimately.

Mr. Waiting in the Wings

He is always there; he is always standing by. He is friendly with you, with your mate, your spouse, so that he knows about your relationship. He watches your relationship, waiting for it to fail, waiting for you to need him. He is the person who offers, “You know I’m here for you, if you need me.” He is deceptive; he is opportunistic; he is the snake in the grass waiting to strike, waiting for a sexual relationship with you. He derives a sense of joy, of pride from the conquest, and he keeps score.

Fake it until you make it

 Do not let him see you sweat; do not let him see you suffer. When you see him in public, especially if he is with another woman, smile and be kind, even if you are not over him. Eventually, you will realize that it does not hurt as much, and soon, it will not hurt at all – you have moved past him.

Do not self-deprecate

That is, do not put yourself down, do not belittle yourself, do not devalue your self-worth. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. Yes, you may have played a role in the reason why the relationship ended. However, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, the relationship failed. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to make it work, it just will not work. Consider and come to terms with the fact that the relationship was just not meant to be.

Stay away from break-up sex

Do not sleep with him. I repeat, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM! The sex may be spectacular, but is it worth the emotional setback? It is difficult enough to move past him, to move on with your life. Break-up sex recreates that emotional attachment, provides false hope, and ultimately, prolongs your healing process.

Trust Your Gut...

Have you ever been out with someone and you get a feeling that he is not the person for you? Have you ever met that someone who looked good from afar, but was far from good? Let me qualify this statement. There really are some good men out there. There are those who are sincere; they are seeking a committed relationship. They dress well, have a job, and are stable. There are men who even love the Lord and who treat you well. There are also men that were hurt, and therefore, can make a lousy first impression. And there are some people with whom you just do not hit it off. Nevertheless, there is that circumstance where you know something is not right.

Successful Relationship

I have contemplated what it takes to be in a successful relationship. I have had numerous discussions with men and women – college friends, co-workers and colleagues, married, single, teenage to older adults, and I have observed the rise and fall of countless relationships, and the behavior of its participants. Yet it was not until I experienced the love of Christ in my own life that I was able to heal from past hurts. I realized not knowing what not to do, or how not to act, is just as damaging to your relationship as if knowing what to do, then acting inappropriately.

I AM ...

I never felt properly equipped with the necessary tools or adequate information to be successful in my relationships. From time to time, I glanced at dating articles in magazines, newspaper columns, and letters asking for advice on love, marriage, and dating. However, many times I attempted to find love, only to be left with no more petals, and the heartache associated with an unsuccessful relationship resulting from showing up in a relationship unaware, ungrounded and unwhole. Consequently, I was in a number of sexual relationships, and a marriage that ended in divorce, so I probably am not the best candidate to offer my experience on relationships. But then again, given my history, maybe I am…

No More Petals...

Have you ever plucked a flower to determine whether “he loves you?” How often in your attempts to find love, have you run out of petals hoping for one more? Oftentimes in life, there are no more petals, and you are left with the pain associated with “he loves you, not.”